Careful what you wish for

We've been waiting and hoping, fairly patiently, for news on the adoption front now that the holidays are past us. Hoping to hear something more about Mark M., or to receive a broadcast about another child matching the profile we submitted. This week we got both. 

On Tuesday, a teacher preparation day at work (no students), I sat in my classroom at the computer, gushing over photographs sent from another of the couples in our training class. Our friends Mr. & Mrs. Y were matched with three children before Christmas and met them in Houston last weekend. I wish I could share the photos of the adorable new family. They had pizza, went to Build-a-Bear and the aquarium, hugged and cried and prayed and smiled. Such a rush of joy and envy I felt as I viewed them. A success story in the making, I was so happy for them and so hopeful for us at the same time.

In an unfortunate coincidence of timing, our caseworker emailed me about 30 minutes later about Mark M. She had finally received a communication from the CPS caseworker on his side, whom she'd been emailing about the status of his placement. She asked whether any decision had been made on a home for him. The six words we got in response:

Not yet, will let you know. Thanks.

I think about Mark sometimes, what he's doing, how the waiting must feel for the child. Earlier this month we attended an adoption support group meeting with our agency, part of the state's mandatory continuing education for approved families. From this particular meeting we left more discouraged than supported, as we heard two families share stories of submitting their home studies for children,  being matched (chosen by the children's caseworker to be the parents), and then receiving the massive file history and finding details that made it impossible for them to move forward.

I asked one woman, the wife of a prominent local architect, if I might speak to her a bit more about their inability to adopt the teen girls for whom they'd been chosen. We've been trained to view these files, I said. We know what's in there — the abuse, the neglect, the terrible details — so how is it that you get to that point and you can't accept what's in the file? She relayed to me the girls' story, how their birth father was their pimp and sold them to his friends and on the internet for sex. With pain in her voice she explained how the girls, already teens, would need years of therapy before they could function in any home, having been so tortured by their initial "family." She talked about the guilt you feel when it seems God is leading you to these children and then you must say no, because some situations are just that bad. How could she stand it, I wondered?

We didn't have to wait long to find out.

On Thursday, Shawn and I received a second broadcast about available children, asking whether we wanted to submit our home study to their caseworker. I was so excited to receive the email, and even more so when I saw that there were two children this time — an option we had been open to since there are so many sibling groups in the system. M & K are 9-year-old twins, a boy and a girl, Caucasian, possibly in the metro area. Viewing photos of them at the Dallas World Aquarium made it feel so close, so possible. I emailed and called Shawn and we began pouring over their information.

I read the girl's file first. Dark hair, bright blue eyes just like Shawn's. Left handed, like me. Struggles in school, eager to please, loves her twin brother. The poor child had been physically abused, malnourished and neglected by her birth mother, and was adopted with her brother at age 3 by their aunt and uncle. Now, at age 9, M & K are in foster care with the state due to physical abuse of both of them by their adoptive family, their own biological relatives. The report read:

K has experienced a significant amount of loss in her short life and has a great need for long term stability. 

I wanted to provide this for her. I opened her brother's file, expecting a similar description. As I read, my heart sank. At age 9, the boy is on anti-psychotic medication. He's been institutionalized twice in a psychiatric hospital. He would urinate & defecate in his bedroom, steal from peers, destroy property and hoard food. He's expressed suicidal thoughts, aggressive behavior, and has reportedly set a fire. For those who don't know, a child with a preoccupation with fire is almost as dangerous as it gets. Cruelty to animals is the only behavior that is a worse indicator of psychiatric instability in kids.

So we said no. We had to. And it made us feel like dirt. Because who will help them? Doesn't that boy deserve a home, a chance? And who are we that we won't make that happen for him? The guilt is excruciating. I now understood what the woman in our support group meant, and even though she was further along in the process, a bit of how she must've felt.

In a matter of days, I envisioned us joyful, with our new child or children, eating pizza and buying stuffed bears. And I pictured us destroyed and defeated, having taken on a psychotic boy out of desperation or guilt and living to regret it. Moving forward from this week of disappointment — mixed with the thrill of happiness for our friends who will soon bring their kids home for good — I can't help but guard my heart, and check my email with a bit more trepidation.

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

(for privacy can't use his photo)

The subject line read, "Adoptive placement needed for legally free child: Mark M."

I nearly fell out of my chair when the email came through from our caseworker. I was teaching class. 7th period - my rowdiest bunch - on a Friday afternoon. Shawn was on business in Denver. We had just been formally approved to adopt a week prior. And yet here it was, our first potential match with a child.

The email came with a 2-page summary and a photograph. Just one photo, of an 8-year-old Hispanic boy holding a football that was bigger than his head. A bit too skinny to be a Threadgill/Mahan, Mark had a smile from ear to ear, skinny arms, a little jersey shirt on, and that giant football. My mom said he was "smiling with his eyes," and I agreed that it seemed he has the joy in his face that a child should, despite what he must have been through.

Shawn and I, in different states, scoured the information they sent on Mark. Intelligent, active and sporty, capable of caring and loving. Argumentative, challenging, defiant, dishonest. Swears like a sailor, wets the bed. No developmental, medical or physical special needs - only emotional. True to her word, our caseworker had sent us a child that matched our specifications exactly.

In a hasty phone conversation, both at work, Shawn and I agreed to submit our home study for consideration to be Mark's adoptive parents. Now we too are subject to the selection process.

Five days later, at dinner on her birthday, we told Shawn's mother about the possibility of Mark. Always supportive of us as a couple and in our adoption journey, Nancy was so excited to hear about Mark and to see his one precious photo. That night after we took Nancy home, she passed away in her sleep.

As I grow a bit older and more familiar with loss, I have seen how the youngest generation can bring joy and breathe new life into a family. Part of my adoption decision was based on the desire to keep our family going, to give back some of what the older generation gave to us, to keep moving forward. We don't know - and won't for some time - whether Mark will be the boy to experience this with us. Regardless, he represents to me that hope for our family and the future. Our child will know how special his grandmother was, and how open her heart was to him, sight unseen.

Hurry up and wait

I'm not sure which is scarier, the waiting, or getting in!

Well, we did it! As of Thursday, December 1st, 2011, we are approved to adopt. The long, harrowing process is complete. We had a last minute hiccup in that our submitted floor plan of the house was not quite sufficient - I scrambled to get it redone to the specifications of the state - and with the help of Abby and Shawn, made it happen without any delay.

What does this mean? More waiting, really. But I find comfort in these small milestones. What happens now is our caseworker at the agency can send out our file when she gets notification of a child or children that match what we said we wanted for our family. The caseworker will receive flash notifications from the state, probably a couple of times a week. The list could contain 1 kid or 10. She looks at the basic information and if it's a good match for us, she submits our file to the caseworker for that child. Once our name's in that hat, there could be 2 or 20 other prospective parents interested in the child. The caseworker on the child's side narrows it down to 3 parents or couples, like finalists. Then she delves deeper into the parent files until she can make a choice about who would be best to parent that child.

During this time, we watch email. Like every hour of every business day. If our caseworker sees a kid or kids on the list that we might match with, she emails us to ask before she submits our file to the caseworker for the child. But you have to catch that email, because there's a window for submission that closes like a day later. So, like, no pressure, but um, if you don't get the email, you can't be submitted for that kid at all.

It feels both great and terrifying to be at this stage. All the time the prospect of adding to our family pops in and out of our conversations. Shawn told me this week he's been practicing saying, "Listen to your mother," a habit he is definitely going to need to solidify in time!

It's in the mail

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these
couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

Well we've just about done it. The last remaining items on our seemingly never-ending adoption application to-do list - reference letters, medical physicals, and a fire safety form - are in the mail. Those who know me well know that I hate waiting. Even with all of this taken care of I'm still thinking, should I have hand-delivered each item?

You see, the adoption application process is excruciating. Those not familiar with the requirements are usually aghast to hear what's required. It's taken us about six months to compile everything. We've been fingerprinted, background checked, TB tested. We've completed a 16-page questionnaire (each), a 10-year residence history, and over 2 hours of interviews. The agency's got copies of our tax returns, birth certificates, social security cards and drivers' licenses. We both had physicals. We sent in copies of our pets' vaccinations. We've shared every detail of our personal, family, church, and work lives. We completed 16 hours of state-mandated training. And now we're waiting on the mail.

I can't wait because once everything arrives at the agency, our file is complete and we're "on the list." The list of potential adoptive parents. Once we're on that list, we could be chosen and matched at any time with a child or children in need of a home. There's a lot more to it, of course, but being on that list is the real deal. So if you see a mailman, maybe ask him to hurry up a little. For me?

Introduction

Shawn and I on our 2nd honeymoon in Vermont, October 2011.

As you may know, Shawn and I have decided to grow our family through adoption! We are very excited and anticipate many updates, so I'm starting this blog to share the information as it happens with all interested friends & family. If you want, you can subscribe to the blog and you'll receive an email with each new post.

The agency we have chosen to work with is Catholic Charities of Dallas' Children and Adoption Services and Community Outreach (CASCO) Finally Home program. The Finally Home program is designed to place children who are in foster care with CPS into adoptive families. We are excited to be working with Catholic Charities because we have found the caseworkers there to be very dedicated to what is best for both the children awaiting placement and the adoptive parents. Personal attention, trustworthiness and experience are just a few of the qualities we have enjoyed as we have worked with this organization over the past year.