Thank you for your submission

On the phone with my best friend last night, I discussed the dangers of getting attached to these broadcasts for available children. About how impossible it is to look at them and have to make the massive decision that yes, you would be willing for these to be YOUR kids...while at the same time holding back, being unable to daydream or plan because you have no idea if they'll ever be a part of your reality.

When I got to work this morning I had an email from our caseworker saying we were out of the running for the three children I wrote about yesterday. It felt awful to read that, not knowing why we hadn't been seriously considered for these. One can only hope that there was some perfect family for them, with attributes that can best meet their specific needs. This is the first experience we've had with this type of response, and while there are many platitudes that might offer up solace, that has never worked for me.

I can't help but think, why not us? I asked our caseworker, what causes CPS to make such a decision? After only 2 weeks, I felt like we didn't even get a fair chance. I asked for reasons why they might have skipped over us. She said it's possible they wanted parenting experience in order to handle all that these three brought to the table. But we don't get to know. All we get is this:

Our caseworker:

Whitney, Sorry about the attached news. We will keep trying.

CPS caseworker: 

This is to inform you that the Mahan family has not been selected to participate in the selection staffing for [kids' names redacted]. Thank you for your submission. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

Questions or concerns? Yeah, I have a few. A million. But I don't get to ask them, and it doesn't make a difference, anyhow. On the scale of horrible rejections I'd say it still feels worse to have to say no to kids than it does to hear this caseworker say no to us. Still, we have so much to offer if someone would just let us -- love and patience, safety and security, a chance for healing. Free movie tickets. Shawn's spaghetti.

Maybe they were too much for us to handle, and someone more seasoned than us knew it. They say the only thing worse than this rejection, whether from us or from them, is moving forward with a bad match that ends in a failed adoption and more pain and loss for the children. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that, no matter how much we wanted it to work out. After all, Shawn's spaghetti can't fix everything.