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So maybe now it's time, And maybe when I wake
They'll be there calling me "Baby"... Maybe. |
It is becoming apparent that the easier question for us to answer with regard to this process is not what is happening with the adoption but rather, what are you waiting for now? Because the "happenings" occur in small, furious little jolts and the waiting's the thing from then on.
Two months have passed since we submitted our home study for little Mark M. in the Houston area. It's been a month since they sent us an email that no one had been chosen for him. Since Mark, we have received three more broadcasts for available children for whom we might be suitable. The second was the twins discussed in the last post. Then came the
Little Women.
In our adoption application, Shawn and I expressed interest in one child, possibly two. We said we'd like an elementary age child, around 6-10 years, with mild to moderate emotional/developmental needs but no physical/medical special needs. This is what we were comfortable with, what we felt we could handle, what we felt was in the best interest of a child or children who would become ours.
In the system, the more you limit your criteria the harder it is to match you with a child. The CPS caseload is full of large sibling groups, children with severe special needs, teenagers, you name it. And younger children with the more basic level of care we specified come along less often than others and are more coveted by other potential adoptive parents. Which is why, I believe, our social worker at the agency sent us an inquiry for FIVE girls, sisters, aged 1 to 6.
The girls were precious to look at, and difficult to ignore. Again in the Houston area, these girls had three different fathers and a mother that subjected them to sexual and physical abuse as well as - in the case of the youngest three girls - severe neglect. Their records, however, showed much potential as they were so young and had so few placements behind them. Shawn and I stared in disbelief at their files and photos, desperately trying to wrap our minds around the possibility of parenting all. those. girls.
In the end, we couldn't do it. We are not prepared to make the massive life changes that five very young children would require. I don't want to quit my job or put four kids in day care. Two of the girls had been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a very serious, life-long condition in which a baby is so neglected that she fails to learn how to form bonds with other human beings, and often cannot. We thought about these sweet girls for three days and nights before I was finally able to write back to say no.
Incredibly, that same day, we were sent yet another broadcast to review! I saw the email on my phone on the way home from work and could hardly stand the commute to get to the house and read through it all. One thing I did see via iPhone - this one was for three kids. Once again, we're looking at an entire human being more than we had said we were ready to handle. But when presented with these kids, living breathing children, waiting for forever homes...it is much too real to go only by the numbers.
When I got home, I sat down at my computer and prayed. Before opening the email, I said God please just let there be something in this one, even just a feeling that they are for us or we are for them. After the twins and the Little Women, we don't want to have to say no again. As soon as I began to read about these three, I knew Shawn would be in. But would I? I am the detail-oriented one and the worrier; if Shawn is a colander then I am the Brita filter.
The files revealed a ten year old girl, seven year old boy, and three year old boy with soap opera names, big smiles and sad stories. Two different fathers had abused them and their older sister, a fourth child who was placed with her biological father (not abusive) following the termination of the mother's parental rights. Exposed to physical abuse and domestic violence as well as neglect, these kids have endured several failed attempts to be reunited with their family as well as three different foster placements. The report indicated there was possibly a meth lab in their home, and that their mother cared more about the dogs she bred for a living than her children. One of the fathers is in jail and never responded to the paperwork saying his rights would be ended. He remains incarcerated.
On the upside, the kids presented a colorful challenge. Brilliant and bossy, the oldest girl loves her brothers and is already in a gifted program in school. Sensitive and anxious, the middle boy is bright as well but needs love and support to get past his anger. And at three years old, the youngest boy is completely bonkers. He is too emotionally disturbed to function, and is in desperate need of stability. Shawn's favorite line in the report read, "K has also snatched food from strangers' tables at restaurants."
The great news is, they love each other, can form bonds, can excel in school, and have no severe medical or psychological special needs. They have major behavioral issues, which is to be expected. The oldest girl loves movies! And the boys are so adorable - I lost my heart to the seven year old immediately and Shawn has never responded to a child quite like he did to the three year old boy.
So, what are we waiting for now?
We submitted our home study for these three. We said yes, we'll take the chance on them to move forward, so that we might be chosen for them, too. And our name is still in the hat - assuming there is a hat - for Mark M. It's been two weeks since we submitted our names for the three kids, and two months since Mark. This week I emailed our caseworker at the agency just so she'd write back - just so I could see her name in my inbox. In the meantime we can only wait and wonder what's coming our way next.
