Out of the mouth of babes

Something's missing.

It was a busy week around our house, and stressful. We had not one but two inspections of our home scheduled this week. We cleaned for days and double-checked all of our safety requirements were met in preparation for visits from our adoption agency as well as a more official visit from Residential Child Care Licensing (RCCL), a division of the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS). We got the call last week that we’d been selected at random for a foster home inspection by the state, and our agency wanted to do a dry run before they came. So Tuesday morning Shawn met with our caseworker for a walkthrough and Thursday morning I waited on the state inspector.

The state evaluates about one-third of all licensed foster homes per year. We were surprised to be chosen because we had assumed they didn’t come unless there were kids placed in the home. This is not the case, however. So I held my breath as the inspector made her way to our front porch. I hadn’t slept well; images of citations danced through my head. Did I leave out the Neosporin? Lock up the Windex? Was there an outlet somewhere without an outlet cover?

I wanted everything to be perfect. The inspector came. We talked about the agency, the training we’ve had, the communications we receive. We walked through the house and I showed her all of the steps we have taken to meet the safety standards. She was very pleased, and we received a report with no citations. We had a bowl of pasta salad in the refrigerator that was not covered – a more hard-nosed inspector, she said, would’ve cited us for that – but she just reminded me that we couldn’t have open food containers and moved right along. Whew.

Living in a fishbowl is taxing enough. Living in an empty fishbowl is much harder. Striving so hard to meet these ridiculous requirements, being told what a fabulous job we’ve done, and then going back to waiting for a match…it’s very anti-climactic. If everything is so fabulous, the environment so perfect, then why must we wait so long? The pasta salad is covered, ok? Now give us some kids.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Teaching in middle school, I hear a lot of horrible things come out of children’s mouths. Foul language, bullying, apathy, disrespect – it can get pretty depressing some days. After a certain point, one is not often surprised by anything that the kids say. But one day this week one of my girls said something that stopped me in my tracks.

“Miss, I had a dream you got your baby.”

My heart shot up into my throat. You WHAT?

Some of my more conscientious students know about our search for children. They tend to view adoption as being only about babies. I like to explain the process to them because I think it opens minds to different definitions of family, as well as promotes awareness of the cause of abused children.

She went on. “For some reason they dropped him off at school. I think he was mixed [race]. You had to leave…I think to go sign the papers. So you left him with us and we were feeding him chicken nuggets.”

I was shocked that our adoption had made it into her subconscious. Not as surprised about the chicken nuggets. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to think of this. I’m not much of a believer in signs or visions or finding reasons for everything. But this gave me pause. Why would she dream this? What is the meaning of her telling me? For someone like me who has been through so much on this road, it was almost too much to take. Some things just defy explanation. Then she told me the ending. 

“You came back to school and said, ‘Come to me, my baby.’ And he ran to you. And then I woke up.”

From her mouth to God’s ears.

Counting chickens before we're matched

Most potential adoptive chickies are in sibling groups of three.

Since we were approved as a foster/adoptive home in mid-December, forty-two children have passed through my inbox. I've made a binder now, with printouts of all the emails, broadcasts and photos (if included) that have been sent over from the agency. Just keeping track of who's who, who's still on the list and who's been taken off, the paperwork, names and ages and circumstances has become a part-time job. One that I'm really enjoying, because being up to our ears in broadcasts increases our odds of being matched!

So how does it look, the foster/adoption process by the numbers? We have been at this for about a month and a half with the new fost-to-adopt agency. Here's how it breaks down so far:

42: number of children for whom we've received broadcasts
3: average number of siblings in each broadcast
12: number of broadcasts for which we've submitted our home study
2: number of broadcasts for children with whom we did not get matched
1: number of broadcasts withdrawn from consideration due to CPS error
4: number of broadcasts for which we declined to submit our home study
9: number of broadcasts for available children for whom we're still in the running
24: number of hours we get to decide whether to submit for each broadcast

We've seen kids aged 9 mos to 14 years, with an average age of 5 years. 24 of the kids have been boys, 18 are girls. 7 of the broadcasts have been for legal risk foster children, while the other 9 are for children that are already legally free for adoption. Overall, we have already received more broadcasts in a month and a half with our new agency that we did in 9 months with the last one.

One thing I can't allow myself to count is the time as it passes. The years since we started this process, the months of paperwork and training, the weeks and days as potential kids come and go. That's the part of this gig that gets really hard after...well, after a while. I said I wouldn't count.

On the bright side, my mind is filled with images of precious kids out there with whom we could be matched, with the possibilities of parenting. I wish I could share them here, the photos, the inconsistent descriptions, the crazy names! My husband said to me this week, "Sweetie, our kids are going to have weird names." There's just no way around it. We have not received ONE broadcast that doesn't contain at least one child with a name that's either unusual, misspelled, or just plain nuts. Since we can't go around telling everyone "We didn't name them, they're adopted!" we are going to have to allow folks to assume we chose these bizarre monikers or we don't know how to spell. But then, "What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet."

Now You've Done It (or, List of Expired Items)

Our home, now operated by the state of TX.

Caseworker e-mails paraphrased:
Happy New Year! Could you please send me proof of updates to the following by Friday, January 4:
·         Auto Insurance for Honda & Nissan
          – Expired 11/24/12
·         Auto Inspection for Nissan – Expired 12/12
·         Driver’s License Renewal – Expired 6/7/12
·         Dog's Pet Vaccinations – Expired 12/8/12
·         Auto Registration for Nissan – Expires 1/13
And while we're at it, we'll need to schedule your quarterly home safety check, could you send a date by January 7?

Clearly, Big Brother has made himself at home at our place. As of December 19th, WE ARE OFFICIALLY A STATE LICENSED FOSTER/ADOPTIVE FAMILY HOME! We are so excited to have completed five months of training, documentation, interviews, and home visits in order to get that fancy little certificate pictured to the left. What it means is that our home is now, quite literally, operated by the State of Texas Department of Family and Protective Services, and will remain as such until any adoption is finalized in court. The list above is anything and everything that has gone out of date since we started working with the agency in August of this year. So THIS is how it's gonna be.

I am thrilled to report that we have, in the four business days since we've been licensed, already received FIVE broadcasts regarding children in need of legal risk foster placement. Legal risk (as opposed to emergency placement) means that the state is 90-95% sure that the child or children are headed for non-relative adoption; however, their parents' legal rights have not yet been terminated in court. Some already have court dates set for termination, some don't. Some are still having supervised visits with biological family members, some aren't. Some of the broadcasts are detailed and well thought out, with photos - while still others are sloppy and vague.

We are cautiously optimistic about the fact that we have already seen such an improvement in the access to available children - the main reason we switched to foster from straight-adopt. Even the small summaries that come through are a tough read; in one case both parents addicted to prescription pain meds and in all kinds of trouble with the law; in another, two out of a sibling group of seven are in need of a home in a big hurry due to multiple placements after severe neglect. In yet another, the kids' biological grandparents simply can't manage the task any longer, but would still like to see the kids once they're adopted (arrangements like this are voluntary, but are often kept if in the best interest of the child or children).

We've submitted our home study for consideration for all of the broadcasts we've received. Three of them were for sibling groups of three and two for sibling groups of two. The process mirrors straight-adopt in that for each broadcast for which we submit, we wait to hear if we are chosen by the Child Protective Services (CPS) caseworker for that group. There is no timetable. There is no guarantee. Once chosen, we'd have access to more info and to visits with the kids before deciding to bring them into our home. Any kids we foster would be with the intention to adopt, so we must choose carefully. If the parental rights are ultimately terminated, as the State expects they will be, we can adopt them as soon as they've been in our home six months. No one else gets a shot; they're ours.

Reality has been sinking in slowly but surely. My husband and I made a list of all the things we'd need to acquire in order to make this a kid-friendly home (I had to get him to pretend we had an anonymous benefactor, so he'd participate without seeing only the money!). My mom and I spent an hour in Toys R Us staring at car seats, bless her heart. And yes, everything is renewed and inspected and vaccinated that needed to be. Welcome to life in the fish bowl. One can only imagine what things will be like once children live here. I'm going to need another bedroom just for the paperwork! It's a huge hassle I'm REALLY starting to look forward to!

Thanks to any readers for your continued interest and support. Kindly pray that a great match will be made soon! Lastly, our hearts go out to those involved in international adoptions from Russia. The recent politicizing of Russia-to-U.S. adoptions has put thousands of children in jeopardy, children who live in some of the most deplorable orphanages in the world. Please pray that for the sake of human rights and all kids in need that these children will have opportunities to find forever homes. <3

A lockbox inside a lockbox

CPR training is every bit as exciting as it looks.

It's always been my policy at work not to let anyone know all I'm capable of, lest they expect me to do it. As I am now, weeks or even days from being licensed to foster parent, I worry about the things I know how to do. I know how to administer psychotropic medications. I know how to restrain a kid who is trying to injure me without causing harm to him/her. How to stop him from choking me, biting me, kicking me, grabbing me. How to perform CPR. How to properly discipline a traumatized child, one who may be acting out as a result of any number of tragedies. How to keep a Life Book so the child has a continuing sense of place, understanding of self. I know how to protect him, care for him, and properly provide for him. I'm just afraid I may have to do it.

Over the past two months, Shawn and I have been working with our new agency to become a licensed foster home. Outside of the mountains of paperwork we've completed and 20 hours of training, we can prove to anyone that our cars are inspected and insured, that we've paid all our taxes. We can show you our three-year certified driving history, our diplomas, the fire escape route for our home. We've documented where we'll be if there's a disaster, we've wall-mounted a fire extinguisher, we've re-vaccinated all the cats. I'm in the process of background-checking my parents and sisters. The health inspector and fire inspector have signed off. Essentially, it's all over but the lockboxes.

MINIMUM STANDARDS FOR CHILD-PLACING AGENCIES
Subchapter J, Foster Care Services: Medical and Dental
Division 4, Medication Storage and Destruction
§749.1521. (4) Store medication covered by Schedule II of the Texas Controlled Substances Act under double lock in a separate container.

The only thing left between us and a foster license is a series of locks. Locked up tools, locked up cleaning supplies, and in the case of certain medications, a locked box inside another locked box. As I think about my errands for the weekend, it just barely strikes me as odd that I have to find a way to keep Schedule II medications under double lock as required by law. It no longer occurs to me that it's strange that I even know what I'm talking about (I know most people don't). What I know is if I don't have a lockbox inside a lockbox by Tuesday morning, we won't get our license. Tuesday is the first of two visits by our caseworker that will finalize the process, part interview and part home inspection. After that we will begin to receive broadcasts for available children again, this time for legal-risk foster placement in our home with the intention to adopt once the child or children are legally free.

I'm excited that Shawn and I have worked hard and have nearly survived another trial on our unique path to parenthood. And I'll have all those locks in place on time. What I'm more concerned about is what we are unlocking. This license is the key to opening ourselves up again, to more children with the potential to become ours. Opening up our home to the fishbowl that is foster care and the visits from CPS and agency caseworkers and child advocates. Opening our minds to the idea of documenting every doctor visit, every pill taken, every t-shirt purchased, every altercation, every breath it seems, that this child or children will take in our care. Opening our hearts and our arms to troubled kids who will not be ready to love us back. To be honest, it's my telltale heart I wish I could put inside of two locked boxes sometimes. But it's a bit late for that. Because soon, everybody is going to know what I can do.

Standing on the precipice

There are approximately 30,000 children in foster care
in the state of Texas alone.

What comes to mind when you hear "foster home?" Is the connotation positive? Most likely it is not. Foster homes and foster parents are just one piece in an impossible puzzle of state caseworkers, therapists, doctors, birth families, extended families, judges, and abused children in limbo. One hopes that when the pieces come together, the child is in a safe, nurturing, forever home. But the picture doesn't always come out that way.

The term "foster home" isn't positive for me, either. From terrible news stories to my own students, I've just never gotten a good impression of this necessary but imperfect aspect of the child protection system. Which is why I approached with such trepidation our meeting last Friday with a new adoption agency - the first step in our effort to become just that - a foster family.

¹fos·ter  adj   \ˈfȯs-tər, ˈfäs-\

: affording, receiving, or sharing nurture or parental care
though not related by blood or legal ties

At our current straight-adoption agency, we have support group meetings every two months. At the most recent gathering, I had the chance to ask an actual CPS caseworker where the children are. I asked her why we are seeing so few broadcasts and even then mostly for large sibling groups or children with severe needs. She said the rest are being adopted directly by their foster parents, a truth I had come to realize but was thankful to have confirmed by someone working directly in the field. Therefore those kids are never made available to straight-adoption families.

Since that meeting, Shawn and I were turned down on our submission for Destiny and her brother. We were sent another broadcast for a sibling group of four kids, which we declined. Around the same time, with the help of some good friends who made an introduction, I spoke at length with a foster/adoption expert about her experiences fostering 23 children and adopting six. Her comments on the place in line of straight-adopt (from foster) parents are that we are at "the bottom of the totem pole" and, more succinctly, "screwed."

Armed with this new information, we met a week later with a new agency that places children in dual-licensed foster/adoptive homes (our current agency handles straight-adopt only). We learned about the process - more paperwork, more training - that we'd have to go through to get foster licensed in addition to our already approved adoptive home study. It seems likely we'd be finished with that process in October and ready to receive a foster placement.

2 types of foster homes were described to us by the new agency. One type, “legal risk,” is where the state is 90-95% sure that they have exhausted birth family and extended family placement options and that the child or sibling group is headed for termination of parental rights and adoption. The second type, an “emergency placement” foster home, is one where the state has in some cases almost no information about the child/children, but needs a foster home in which to place them, sometimes straight from the police squad car that removed them from the abusive birth home. In those cases the state will have at least a year to decide where the child ends up.

What’s troubling me is that the new agency has said that the wait and competition we could face as a “legal risk” foster home could be nearly the same and just as fruitless as our straight-adopt experience. This really surprised me, as I’d assumed the risk we would take on as any kind of foster home would pay off in the closer proximity to available (or nearly available) children for adoption, the ones we were told were all being adopted by foster parents before they ever get to straight-adopt. The new agency, however, is in the process of adding “emergency placement” families to their caseload, because of the fact that potential adoptive parents are having less success as “legal risk" foster homes. For my husband and I, the idea of becoming an “emergency placement” home (when our goal is adoption) is still much too terrifying to consider. Watching kids come and go with no assurance they’ll be part of our future is not what we wanted, and the truth is I guess we’re not desperate enough to try that. Yet.

Today I'm going to let the new agency know that we're transferring our case over to them for dual licensing. We've been wrestling with this decision for about a week and a half since that initial meeting, and I'm still so nervous to relinquish this much control that I can hardly write the email. I've never been bungee jumping, but as we stand on the edge of the abyss that is the foster care system, I hope and pray that there is something or someone there to catch us as we fall. And that we don't end up on the news.

The times, they are a-changin'

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives

An e-mail exchange this week between our agency caseworker and me:

From: Whitney
Sent: Monday, June 25, 2012 2:32 PM
To: [Caseworker]
Subject: Re: Destiny and [brother] Adoption Broadcast

Hi [Caseworker]:

Hope all is well with you. It's been three weeks since we submitted for Destiny and [her brother] and I just wanted to check on their status. Have you heard anything?

Also, I wanted to inquire about the number of broadcasts we are receiving. We're only getting one every month or so. Are no kids coming through? It's so much less than expected.

Thanks,
Whitney

On Jun 25, 2012, at 2:53 PM, [Caseworker] wrote:

Hi Whitney,

In response to your questions, I have heard nothing about Destiny and [her brother].  If we don’t hear anything this week, I will e-mail the case worker.  It is not unusual to go a month or so before hearing on anything after you submit your study.  Right now there are a lot of older kids coming through, teens and some younger kids with some physical and mental health disorders that I know none of our families would like to handle.  For example, we have had broadcasts on some autistic children, kids with feeding tubes, etc.  The other thing I am noticing are a lot of sibling groups for four or more children.  Right now I have four brothers ranging in age from 11 to a 2 year old, Anglo and I believe the 8 year old is probably either learning delayed or has a developmental disorder.  I also have another sibling group that I believe you all got the broadcast on with two boys ages 12 and 10 and two girls ages 8 and 3.  I believe the oldest girl in this group has some serious learning delays and the boys don’t like to share a room because they do not get along.  There are no kids coming through in singles other than teens or some with some serious disorders.  I am sending on to you and our other approved families any kids in which I think you may have an interest.  We are in the process right now of placing three brothers in [another family's] home who are 12, 11 and 8.  Another family is getting a sibling group of 5 children this summer and another family is getting a group of three, two of whom are teens.  The competition for single children under age 10 is fierce.  When you look at the numbers of these children available in Texas for adoption, there aren’t that many.  Also many of the children coming through are Hispanic and the CPS workers really prefer to place them with Hispanic families if possible.  So all I can advise is that you hang in there and eventually we will find your kid or kids.

Regards,
[Caseworker]

From: Whitney
Sent: Monday, June 25, 2012 4:06 PM
To: [Caseworker]
Cc: Shawn
Subject: Re: Destiny and [brother] Adoption Broadcast

Thank you for the update. I do not think that it was made clear to us from the beginning how few children would be available within reasonable parameters. In orientation, families are told that children under age six, especially younger, would not be available through the state, but that is really the only restriction put forth. It seems like what you are saying is that groups of three or less children of any age combination below teenagers are not usually available, and that we will not be considered to parent Hispanic children (though we would very nearly prefer to), which is a majority of the population.

Groups of four and five children with or only children with severe problems were definitely not presented as the norm for the program. Those are the difficult to place children, the ones who end up on the news or the websites; in long-term foster or a group home. It would not be feasible or healthy for Shawn and I to parent those children. What I'm confused about is the rest of the children. Are they being adopted through foster? Or do they not exist? Please help me understand as I am really at this point shocked at how this has turned out so far.

Thank you again,
Whitney

On Jun 25, 2012, at 4:25 PM, [Caseworker] wrote:

Whitney,

I can understand your confusion regarding the “pool” of eligible children available for adoption.  It seems to have changed every year since I have been with [the agency].  I cannot guarantee that it will stay as it is now.  A year ago, we were not seeing all of the large sibling groups like what are coming through this year.  The children who are tough to place, those with chronic disabilities such as autism have and will probably always be there.  You are right that many if not most of those will grow up in foster or institutional care.  I would not advise any of my families to consider adoption of one of these children as it requires a life time commitment to their care, which most families cannot do. I personally think there is a shrinking number of children available for adoption that are suitable for many approved adoptive homes. That is due to changes in the CPS system that looks first to relatives with whom to place children, as well as a reluctance on the part of judges to terminate parental rights until every chance has been given to them to show they can parent safely.  When kids who are basic or moderate level of care come available for adoption (especially Anglo and Hispanic),  Caseworkers have their choice of multiple good homes for any child under 10 years of age.  We have been saying for sometime in orientation meetings that flexibility is key in finding a child or children for your home and that the hardest part of the adoption process is the waiting that families go through before getting a placement.

[Caseworker] 

My husband and I are at odds over the meaning of this exchange. He seems to think it means we just have to wait longer. I feel as if it more likely means what we are waiting for is not coming. I wonder if we shouldn't explore something riskier that might produce results, like foster care. And I wonder at what point the stress and sadness might require us to take our names off the list.

I look back and can remember the joy I felt the day I realized I could adopt. That the obstacles of my health issues and my husband's age could be overcome, that we could still have a child and maybe even provide a home for a suffering, lonely kid in the process. I can remember how I felt when I found out that the international adoption I initially desired costs more than $40,000+ and therefore would not be an option. I remember the year we spent struggling to come up with a plan to fund a $25,000+ domestic infant adoption, following the advice of books like "You CAN Adopt!" in search of non-existent assistance from employer programs and churches and grants. And I remember the day we sat down and spoke again about the pros and cons of older child adoption through the state, which is largely cost-free but can be a minefield since you are dealing with children removed from abusive homes. I remember the day in December that we received the broadcast for Mark, and I stupidly believed he might be our child. What I don't remember is exactly when I lost the hope I had before. I'm not sure when I stopped looking at bunk beds and nearby schools. I just know I did, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

A date with Destiny

Will they choose us this time?

Shawn and I were approved to adopt six months ago. At the time, I envisioned my summer off of work as a teacher as the perfect time to spend preparing for or acclimating to our new family. As it stands, we are not one step closer to that reality than we were in early December. This has been a harsh realization. Despite statistics citing thousands of waiting children, despite having survived the dreaded home study, despite nine broadcasts for available kids...we wait.

After my last post it became difficult for me to write again. I was weighing the benefits of shared disappointment. Was it better to keep it light with others and suffer these losses alone, or to face the sadness of others in order to experience their support? I could not decide. So I did not write when we lost out on Jonathan, the red-head. I did not tell my family. It was as if telling everyone made it final. It served only to remind me that we were again waiting for no one. For Godot.

My pride wounded and enthusiasm stunted, I did not receive the next broadcast well. Another group of three, the kids had Easter clothes and country names. They were adorable. A boy and 2 girls, 6, 5 and 3 years. Their broadcast came through two weeks after we were turned down for Jonathan. I sent it to Shawn, who was ready to submit for them. But I couldn't do it.

All I could see in the broadcast for these three was the coming rejection. Another email, a month from now, with their names in the subject line and something similar to the text we'd just received:

I just heard from the case worker for Jonathan and she has chosen three other families to be considered for Jonathan. We will keep looking.

So I waited. And I waited too long. There was a deadline on the broadcast that gave me about a week to think on it, and think on it is what I did. A lot. Finally, I submitted us for the three. What came back was another shock. The caseworker had received so many home studies so quickly that she had cut off submissions the day after she sent out her broadcast. Meaning she gave only one day to submit instead of the posted week. We missed out, though I'm not sure on what. On those kids? Or on another rejection? Regardless, I apologized to my husband for my reluctance and the unsuspected outcome.

Ten days later came a broadcast for a group of four. 2 boys, 2 girls, aged 12, 10, 8 and 3. Pictured with Santa. This was way too much for us to handle. I didn't even write back.

Meanwhile, parents are busy with their summer plans. Camp, swimming lessons, vacations and staycations. Every third Facebook post is somebody's kid doing something precious. My best friend in the whole world is pregnant and due in October. They know when their child will arrive. Those who know me well are aware of the family from my school I've been mentoring for over a year. Immigrant mom, five kids, lots of issues. While I love them and care deeply for them (and they for me), there are constant reminders that they aren't mine, and I can see what a difference it makes. When a child is sick, he only crawls in bed with Mom.

Which brings us back to Destiny. I had to laugh at the subtext when the broadcast came through. See, Destiny is a 7 year old girl. Her brother is 4. They are biracial, a first among the children we've considered so far. Destiny has been beaten. She has been abandoned by her mother. She lives in a fantasy world she has created to numb her pain. Her brother knows her as the only mother he's ever had. No pictures were sent of Destiny. I do not know what Destiny looks like. I do not know what will happen to her, whether she will be ours. We submitted for her and her brother on June 5. So again we wait. This time, for an email from Destiny.